Envy… is corrosive

I am not by nature an envious person but I received a bit of a shock today. Someone I was at school with was writing in a national newspaper. This has happened before. This chap has had a wildly successful business career, made a pile and is doing other things now. He was a complete nerd at school. Ran around with a little black notebook trying to get people’s names for supposed infringement of school rules. And yet. There he is with all the trappings of success that I have signally failed to achieve. It is completely corrosive to one’s soul to envy other people and I hate that that thought crossed my mind, you always have to wonder if the person you are envying really is as happy as all that. But. I look at my own empty life and wonder what might have been. You only get one shot at this game and I have played very good cards very poorly.

I am no kind of dummy and yet the breaks have not fallen out. I find this interesting in an abstract sense. Is it lack of drive? Do I lack the insane edge that will make me do things that get people to the top? Probably. Can I improve my game this late in life? Obviously it is possible but the form to date is not great. My biggest problem has always been self-promotion. I am intensely shy, hence the pseudonym, and in many ways modest about what I can do. Emptier vessels around me have prospered. Time to learn a little from them.

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